Once upon a time, I was a runner. Oh, I was never very good- in the sense that I won lots of races or anything. Yet I was good in the sense that I had endurance and my body was physically strong.
I kind of fell into running. I was never very coordinated when it came to sports, especially ones involving some type of ball. I tried softball and basketball and spent more than my fair share of time warming the bench. My softball team in 6th grade actually won the state championship for our league, but I spent most of the tournament on the sidelines- my uniform didn't even get dirty! I am not bitter; it is just the way it was. In PE class I was petrified of volleyballs- I would literally duck when the ball came toward me!
Finally, in the spring of 7th grade I decided to try track. My parents took me to a sporting goods store to buy my first pair of running shoes (they were Asic Gels with turquoise stripes). On my very first day of practice, I realized that running was something I could do. Running around a circle? I could do that! It was easy. That year I ran the 400m and it kind of became my race, not because I dominated it by any means (although I did win it a couple of times), but because for some strange reason I loved it. Most people hate the 400m because it is so hard to pace yourself for one lone lap. Writing this now, I am not even sure why I loved it so much. But I did, and I especially loved the 4x400 relay.
A couple of weeks before my freshman year of highschool started, I showed up my first cross-country practice and fell in love big time. For those of you who have run cross-country before, you know. There is just nothing like the camaraderie of a cross-country team. It doesn't matter if you are a gifted athlete or not, you matter. Unlike track, where the all-stars sometimes seem like they are on a completely different team than you- partly from the coaches' extra attention, partly from the fans- in cross-country everyone is in it together. Our team my first year was unusually small, so it made it that much easier to bond with everyone. I have such great memories of those years. Again, I was not a great runner. I was caught more than once in practice walking by my coach on long runs, and my friends and I would maintain what we called a "gossip pace" for most of practice. Both cross-country and track were definitely social events for me much more than a means to grow as an athlete.
I took race days very seriously though. So seriously in fact that I would often get so stressed out I would refuse to run! Particularly during track meets. Although I was probably a better runner when it came to track, I liked cross-country much better, especially when it came to meets. During cross-country meets, we ran three-miles out on trails where we were hidden for at least part of the race. During track meets, we were out there in the open for all to see us excel or fail. And that terrified me. So I tried to talk my way out of races by complaining of stomach aches and joint pain. Sometimes coaches actually bought it.
Looking back, I see now that I just was not competitive. I loved practices. Well, except interval day. Who loves intervals? I loved the socialization and being in good shape and being able to eat anything I wanted without gaining weight. But running? I never actually loved running itself. I loved the feeling afterward, but not the process. And racing? I could care less. Really. I pretty much hated it. I did love the 4x400 relay all the way through though. All six years that I ran track and cross-country.
After highschool, I tried to keep up with running for awhile. I remember running during my DTS in Hawaii and even during my outreach in the Philippines. I remember running down to Sunset Hill Park in Ballard while Erik and I were engaged. I remember running and going into Anaphylaxic shock from an unknown allergy just months before we got married and being so scared that I didn't run for a long, long time. I remember giving a half-hearted attempt at a gym membership in the early years of our marriage. I remember settling into a walking routine with the jogging stroller after both Audrey and Elliot were born, convinced that running was no longer for me because every time I tried it, it was so very, very hard. I was definitely no longer the fit 18 year old I used to be.
The problem was, I had never really, really loved running. I had fallen in love with the benefits of running, the physical changes to my body and the dear friends I made. But I didn't know how to run on my own, without a coach and teammates making me do it. I didn't have enough passion for the sport to sustain it on my own. I couldn't drag myself out of bed in the morning to do something I hated, especially when time was so few and far between with two little ones. I gave up.
This past May while out shopping with some friends I stumbled upon some discounted Adias shoes. Their tag said "Running", but I questioned it. They didn't seem like running shoes, the shoe itself was not flexible enough. But they were only $40 and so I bought them on a whim. We were getting ready to move into a new home. A home that was in town and a block away from a great park to run in. In fact, an entire lap around the park equals exactly one mile.
So one late spring morning, I laced up my new shoes and tried them out for the first time. It felt good to have the breeze on my face, to feel my heart pounding, my breath quicken. I took it very slow. Painfully slow for me, someone who can still remember a time when I could easily run six miles. But I was tired of failing at this. I decided that if I could take it nice and easy, easing my body back into running, maybe I wouldn't burn out so quickly and it could be something I stick with.
I followed a beginners' running plan from this great book. A plan that takes you from walking 30 minutes to running 30 minutes in couple of months. We're talking running one minute at a time in the beginning; so slow. But within one week, my feet were really hurting, especially in their arches. My brother-in-law who is a physicians assistant told me he thought I had plantar fasciitis, and to completely stop running for awhile. I was pretty disappointed. I had been getting really excited about trying the running thing again.
So I took some time off. Which actually ended up being a couple of months because it was summer and life got busy. Finally in August, I decided to give the running thing a go once again. I fell into a nice routine of doing it a couple of times a week, working through the beginning running plan again, slowly but surely. I began to look forward to my runs- I called them that, even though at that point I was still hardly running. Instead of dreading the process of running like I always had, I began to actual love not only the after, but the during. Perhaps it is because I was taking it slow enough, my body got a chance to become accustomed to it. Perhaps it was because now I was a full-time mama and my mind desperately needed the mental and emotional break that running provided. It was probably a combination of both.
Then in mid-September my back started hurting. Really, really bad. I had honestly never experienced anything like it. My lower back, really almost my tailbone hurt so badly. Sometimes I think it was nerve pain as well, because I would get shooting pains down my leg. Of course, the running completely stopped. But oh, I was bummed. So bummed. I was finally really getting into it. Feeling like a runner, not just in my body, but in my passion for really the very first time. But I could barely walk when I got out of bed in the morning, let alone go running.
I made an appointment with my doctor to see what was up, but by the time I got in to see her in December (it took two months to get in, then I had to reschedule once), the back pain was, for the most part, gone. I tried to explain it to her as best as I could, without the pain being there to remind me. She suggested a couple of different things that could have caused it- wrong shoes (hmmm...), bad mattress- and trying physical therapy and massage. I was eager to start running again, but she wanted me to wait a little while longer.
Early this month (January), Courtney, a dear friend of mine brought up the half-marathon thing. I call it a "thing" because we had talked about it once before. Late this last fall, right in the middle of my frustration with my back, while standing in line at the theater to see The Time Traveler's Wife (great movie + book, by the way), she casually brought it up. "Have you ever thought of running a half-marathon?" she asked. For some reason it completely took me off-guard. Over the past couple of years, the idea had come up here and there, but it was never ever something I thought seriously about. I guess I figured that someday I would maybe do one, but I never put any date on when.
But for some reason when Courtney brought it up, I began to think seriously about it. "Sometimes," I told her. "Are you thinking about running one?" She shared with me about Team in Training, the organization she was considering training with. I told her that I had always been kind of interested in doing one, but with my back hurting, I didn't know when I could. Then we kind of left it at that and went to go watch our movie. But she got me thinking.
Two weeks ago, Courtney and I met for breakfast with some other dear friends. Over coffee and pastries, she brought up the half-marathon thing again and all of a sudden it felt completely right. "I want to do it!" I told her. And I really, really did. The very next day I joined a local gym, taking away two of my biggest excuses for not working out- the weather and no childcare. But I wasn't ready to run yet. I was so scared of my back hurting again. After talking to another good friend who is a runner, I was pretty convinced that my "running" shoes (aka. cross-trainers) were the culprit. I visited a local specialty running store and found the shoes of my dreams.
I was committed to running a half-marathon with Courtney, but I was torn about the Team in Training aspect. It just didn't feel right for some reason. For me anyway. It is an amazing cause and I believe in it, but I was unsure. And Erik was really unsure. He was completely supportive of me doing the race, but wanted me to be able to focus 100% on my training and the personal accomplishment, not have to add fundraising to my already very full plate. And I trust my husband. So I said "no" to Team in Training, but yes to running the half-marathon, still not really sure why I was saying "no", but certain that it was right.
Fast forward to this last weekend. I became inspired to start writing this post. More inspired to blog than I have been in a long, long time. The words about my running history just kept coming and coming. And finally, it dawned on me. Why I needed to say "no" to Team in Training (aside from the fact that my husband wanted me to and I respect + honor his opinion completely). I need to be able to train for this on my own. Of course, I will still meet with Courtney to work out and run together, and hopefully with another friend! I need their support and accountability so much. But I also need to learn how to do this on my own. I have always done the team/coach thing. And it was great. But I never learned how to sustain my running on my own.
I am ready to truly fall in love with running. My new shoes come in the mail tomorrow and I am itching to go on a run! But don't worry. I am starting very slowly. This time I am following this plan, which is very similar to the one I tried earlier this year, just a little bit more structured. After I make it through the eight weeks, I will hopefully move on to something like this, to begin my more focused half-marathon training. I am seriously so excited!
Once a runner in body, but not in passion. Hopefully, I am now on the journey of becoming a runner not only in body again, but also in heart.
I'll keep you posted.
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