{source}
I felt the guilt as soon as I walked in last night. Well, actually as soon as I stepped onto the porch. My friend's whole lovely beautiful house was completely decked out for the holidays. It was stunning. Truly stunning. And not in the overdone, cost-a-fortune, gaudy sense, but in the perfectly cozy, just-my-style sense.
And I immediately felt bad. And sad. That my little house, lived-in-for-almost-seven-month-and-nothing-is-on-the-walls-house, was hardly decorated for Christmas. We have a little tree that is decorated, but that is it. The red and green Christmas boxes have sat in a corner of the dining room for a week and a half and all I have pulled out is the books and the ornaments. I just haven't felt up to it.
I've been busy. Homeschooling, photography, normal day to day life stuff.
And to be completely honest, it's been a really hard year for my little family. So many things go unspoken here on my little blog. But behind the scenes, it has been a hard 2010. We are okay. We're making it. But it has been hard and I am tired.
So this year, this Christmas, it has been hard to be motivated to decorate, to shop, to do all the normal holiday things. Even though I want my house to be cozy and decorated. And I haven't wanted to deal with the pefectionism that comes every single time a holiday comes and the constant struggle of all the expectations I put on myself to make it all just right for my family. Nobody puts it on me. No, it is all me.
So I make a list. Because that is what I do and because to have something in writing, a plan of sorts, makes me feel more motivated and purposeful. I tried to keep it simple. I really did. Things like make snowflakes together and washing my hands with my favorite pine-scented soap. Things I knew would be easy to succeed at. And I tried to remind myself over and over again that He is the real reason for all of this. Jesus is Christmas, not anything else. Just Him.
And it has all felt easier. I have slowly been gathering the decorations and putting them out. We have been reading the Bible together at breakfast every morning, and lighting a sweet smelling candle together at dinner. Trying to do one little thing that is Christmas and Jesus-focused together every day. And it has been good. I have felt really good and peaceful about it.
But last night, when I went to my dear friend's house, I felt that guilt and perfectionism sneak in again. I immediately wanted to rush home and spend hours decorating my house before Bible study this morning, which is not only ridiculous, but absolutely impossible! And it is truly nothing that she did wrong, my sweet friend. She so lovely and so Christ-like- she just also happens to have an amazing talent at making her home beautiful! It is just a gift she has.
So this morning, I got up and before I took a shower and begin to tackle the before Bible study housecleaning (and the hopes of bringing my house to it's full Christmas decorating potential...), I took the time to read this post, by the always inspiring Ann Voskamp.
And the words, "Whenever Christmas begins to burden, it’s a sign that I’ve taken on something of the world and not of Christ." hit me hard.
Because that was what I was doing. Feeling guilty that my house wasn't feel Christmasy enough. That is taking on something of this world. All my striving and wreaths hung and lights strung is in vain if He is not my focus. If He is not my everything.
Ann's words...
"What if I laid down efforts and expectations, perfectionism and performance, and simply waited with arms and heart and eyes wide open?"
Isn't that what it is truly all about?
Why is it so hard to let go? To be okay with doing less? To be okay with admitting that it has been a year filled with happiness and but also filled with pain? To be okay with letting this Christmas be less about the stuff and more about finding real joy and peace and Jesus?
"Christmas isn't a product to wrap but a Person to unwrap and what can keep us from the yearning just for Him?"
I am okay with the list. It does help me be more intentional. But I am letting go. I am letting go of all the guilt associated with Christmas and measuring up and fulfilling all my crazy expecations to have it all just so. Because who is it all for?
If it is not for Him, it does not matter.
If it doesn't lead me to finding more of Him, it doesn't matter.
Jesus is Christmas.
That is it.
Nothing else.
But I have to admit how hard this all is for me. It doesn't come easy. Just a second ago I was interrupted from my writing by little ones fighting in the living room. I almost started crying at the mess of it all. Them fighting, the house a disaster, and undecorated. I yelled. We cried. I said sorry.
And I start over.
Christmas is not about me. Not about a pefect house. Or perfect kids. It is not about finding the perfect gift, continuing or starting the pefect tradition.
It is about Jesus.
Repeat. Over and over again. All month long.