It was not the Christmas afternoon I had envisioned. My afternoon plan was simple: make dinner (Mom's yummy Tortilla Soup), put in a Christmas movie (It's a Wonderful Life or White Christmas), and cuddle with my sweetie while the babes napped. Instead after Audrey and Elliot fell asleep, Erik and I got in a um, rather heated argument centering around travel and having three kids. I know. Random. (FYI: We currently have no major travel plans in the works, nor are we planning on having another baby anytime soon!)Thankfully, the argument turned into something good- a long discussion with my sweet, caring husband about me and how I approach the holidays, and often life, with too high of expectations.
This holiday season involved quite a bit of dying to unrealistic expectations on my part. I am an idealist, through and through, and the fact that I love holidays and crafting only make it all the worse. Yet this year it was just downright impossible to accomplish most of what I had dreamed of and planned. I have two kids two and under and there is simply no way to get around the fact that I am beyond exhausted 99% of the time. And exhaustion tends to breed unmotivation...
Except somewhere along the line I made the mistake (and not just this Christmas) of allowing myself to feel guilt and failure when I was not able to fulfill all of the expectations I put on myself. And I began to base my success as a wife and a mother on accomplishing craft projects or making a home-cooked meal. (Note, I wrote, expectations "I put on myself"; Erik has never once led me to believe that he expects half of what I expect out of myself!)
And all of the beautiful, inspiring craft blogs out there just made it worse! I couldn't believe what everyone else was accomplishing over the holiday season. I was so envious and wanted to create a home that looked the same, full of crafty-goodness, even though no one in my family had asked me for it...
I came into December with high hopes of all of the wonderful projects I was going to complete, traditions I was going to start, and cookies I was going to bake. Here is a short list of a little of what I had planned in my head:
- Create Advent calender for Erik and Audrey and do it together every day that is full of fun activities to do as a family
- Read Christmas stories to the kids every day
- Make molasses cookies- Erik's favorite
- Buy/make everyone's gifts- wrap them super cute in some kind of lovely packaging
- Make sugar cookies and decorate them with Audrey
- Play lots of Christmas music
- Get a Christmas tree
- Have the house decorated in all of it's beautiful holiday glory the weekend after Thanksgiving
- Buy the kids new pjs for Christmas eve- a long-standing tradition
- Make the kids stockings
- Create Christmas cards at Shutterfly.com and send
- Create photo books for Erik and my parents and grandparents
- Plan a perfect Christmas Day for Erik and the kids
- Scrapbook, scrapbook, scrapbook
- Get caught up on housework and keep the house clean!
- Do tons and tons of Christmas craft projects with Audrey
- Find the perfect holiday outfits for Audrey and Elliot
- Attend a Christmas eve sevice together as a family
- Make the kids ornaments
And unfortunately, much much more...
Here is what the month of December actually ended up looking like:
As I just wrote that list, there was a part of me that was still really disappointed in myself for not fulfilling everything on it like I had hoped to. But mostly I feel regret. Regret that there were precious moments I missed this last month, and really every day, because I have silly ideals that I am wrongly focused on. How many times have I missed out on beautiful memories because I was too concerned with capturing the "perfect shot" for my scrapbook? Or how many times have I missed out on hanging out with the family because I am scrambling to wrap my gifts "just so" when the paper is just going to be ripped off and forgot about?
My husband and children, and most importantly God, do not base my worth on these things, yet I so often do. My presence, my time with my loved ones is what they desire most. So why do I get so hung up on such trivial things? Loving to create, whether it be a scrapbook, a sewing project, or my husband's favorite cookies is fine, but not when it takes presidence over seizing the moments I have with the people I am creating for, not when I allow myself to feel guilty and like a failure when they do not get done or are not perfect.
So, all this crazy long rambling to say, I definitely learned a lesson this Christmas that I will continue to take to heart every day from here on out. And hopefully it made a little sense to some of you dear readers and could be an encouragement to you.